It feels silly to say this. I feel guilty for saying this partly because I'm a (former) Catholic and partly because I know I'm privileged and I hate to show it off to people who are less fortunate.
But I'm going to say it anyways.
I feel at ease about everything in my life right now. I won't go so far to say that it is perfect, because it's not. There are still horrible atrocities happening in the world, I'm a woman and oppression exists, so I can't feel happy about that. However, what I am feeling now is about as close to perfect as it is going to get. Not even the fact that I am being sued and that I have a shithead father can knock me off the cloud I am on now.
I recently took care of a burden that had been plaguing me for years: my credit card debt. I won't go into details, but for years it was the source of all of my stress. It was the reason why I failed a number of courses at my university, delayed my graduation, and lied to my family and friends out of shame. There have been a slew of physical manifestations because of it too. But it's gone now. I barely don't know what to do with myself.
I have a million friends all over the world that love me, and I keep making new ones every day.
This year two very good things are going to happen. First, I'll be visiting my friends and family in Panama this summer. The last time I went was in December of 2007. Normally I would go in the summer but I opted to stay here(U.S.) in the summer of 2008 to work at my part-time job to save up some cash because I was to leave for Japan that October. Even though I came back from Japan the next year, September 2009, I postponed my annual summer trip to Panama for financial reasons and for a more shameful reason: my weakening Spanish. Up until last year, I thought if I just kept speaking with my mom, my sister, and a few Spanish-speaking friends I have here, reading Spanish literature and watch Spanish tv I could "improve" my Spanish, good enough to not feel embarrassed the next time I went to Panama. Turns out it helps greatly if you're in an environment where that is all that's being spoken. Being a language nerd, I knew this. But the shamelock regarding my credit card and my failing school was very strong during these years, so I stubbornly kept this way of thinking. The funny part is that I ended up not doing any of these things beyond speaking Spanish at the home. I turned to reading Japanese magazines and watching Japanese tv and movies. Now my Japanese is amazing. I wouldn't say it is as good as my Spanish, but I've seen my Spanish weakening, and it scares me. I trip over my words more frequently. It takes me longer to remember a certain word and sometimes I completely blank on some conjugations of verbs. The other person may not even realize that I'm fumbling with my Spanish but to me, it is starting to not feel native anymore. This scares me deeply. Hopefully when I set foot on that beautiful isthmus it will all just come back to me. Forgetting my Spanish to me is more than just not being able to speak it. Without my mother tongue, who am I?
Okay, maybe I am going through an identity crisis of some sort :P
The last piece of good news will also happen in the summer. I am most excited about this for several reasons, though there's one that trumps all the others. I haven't purchased the plane ticket yet, but...
I will most likely be going to Japan in August. It is only for vacation but I will be there for a good three weeks. There are a thousand things I would like to do while I'm there. There is no doubt I will spend several days in Osaka. Almost all of my friends are there and I'm dying to see them again. I hope we'll be able to get a drink together or something. Besides going to Osaka, however, I'd like to explore Tokyo. Believe it or not, even though I spent the better part of a year in Japan, I've only been to Tokyo a handful of times, and each time only for a day or half-day. I've only really been to Shibuya, so there is still so much for me to see when it comes to Tokyo. Luckily I have a couple of Japanese friends that have lived in Tokyo for most of their lives and are more than willing to take me to their favorite places to eat, drink, play, and reflect. I can't wait.
I will be looking for a job while I'm there. I've gone back and forth with the idea of teaching English in Japan because it simply doesn't sound like a job I'll love. Well, not everyone loves their job, and I'm not saying I'm looking for a job I love. I just want to feel like my job is going to help my company or people in the long run, and when I look at Japanese that have been studying English since middle school that still cannot speak a lick of it, it doesn't necessarily inspire me to look for those types of positions. I know no matter what job I land my work is going to matter, but I guess I simply want to do something other than teach English.
While I'm in Japan for these 3 or 4 weeks, I would like to spend time volunteering in one of the several organisations that are helping clean up and rebuild Tohoku(Northeast), Japan. Thousands of people are still living in cramped, temporary housing after having lost everything during the tsunami last March. There is still a long, long, long way to go to the rebuilding and reviving of the area but if my hands can help us reach that goal, even just a little bit, then I'd like to do that. Japan and its people have enriched my life in so many ways since I began studying the language over 5 years ago, it is only natural I give back to them. I'm considering becoming a full-time volunteer. A few of my friends are doing that right now and they tell me I should join them. I don't care about being physically uncomfortable, not being able to shower for days, or being broke as hell. I'm also confident enough in my Japanese to be of help when it comes to interpretation between Japanese and foreign volunteer workers. I don't know how I'm able to keep a visa by doing that work but I will inquire with several people. I hope to work something out while I'm there in August.
Last but not least, while I have several friends that live in many different parts of Japan, and I miss them dearly, there is one person I want to see more than anyone. I met this person two years ago while he was on a business trip here in Georgia. We spent very little time together before he returned to Japan, but I haven't been the same since. And neither has he. For over a year now we haven't spoken to each other, but every once in a while we'll send each other an email. One of those emails came right before New Year's, when he asked me when I was going to Japan. I told him I might be going later this year. He replied, asking me to contact him when I get there. I think that was his way of telling me he misses me.
I will contact him once I step foot in Japan, and not a moment sooner. He's one of the main reasons why I haven't felt comfortable being anyone's girlfriend in the meantime. But even I'm not seeking to be his girlfriend. I just want that one date him and I never went on; the one I was too shy to go on while he was here. I'm thinking a summer festival, perhaps? ;)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Protection
I liked the title Fuwafuwa(Fluffy) Marshmallow for this blog, but the content and tone of the posts I have made until now does not fit such a cute image (I always imagined a fluffy cloud-shaped marshmallow with a :D face on it, TOTES ADORBS) so I decided to scrap it for a much simpler title: Long Story Short. It is a feeling I often have when talking to friends or making blog posts; I drag out a story for the sake of entertaining my friends (in which I succeed...sometimes) but there are times I forget where I'm going, so I'm reduced to the idiom to help me focus on my point. Because really, I'm just ranting in these posts.
Nothing exciting has happened since my last update. Tomorrow, however, I'm going to the Japanese Embassy in Atlanta to see if there are any positions in their internship available. I'd rather show up in person than place a phone call. Plus if they aren't taking applications I could always stop by Hashiguchi Jr. for lunch, a Japanese restaurant close by. Well I was going to do that anyways.
I'll have my omamori with me when I go to the embassy tomorrow. I guess in English this it is called a lucky charm? But to me it is more of a talisman. Here is a picture (the blog's first! eep!)
To give you a good idea how big it is, it's about the size of a credit card or driver's license. Other omamori may come in smaller and bigger sizes, and even different shapes (some are made out of wood too). My friend brought me this one from Ohmiya Hachimanguu (大宮八幡宮) shrine in Japan.
The word "omamori"(o-mah-mo-ry) literally means a thing that protects. It gives you auspicious (lucky) mojo. And in Japan, China, and other Asian cultures there are omamori for everything. Some omamori serve very specific purposes, like protecting you on the road, passing a job interview, financial order, etc. The main reason why I believe omamori are not equivalent to "lucky charms" in American culture and are more like talismans is because omamori are consecrated (thanks years of Catholicism for teaching me that term!) with whatever spirit, diety, or sacred place (in this case the shrine itself, dedicated to a war god) where they come from. If I'm not mistaken, that doesn't happen in Catholic or other Christian churches in the US. I guess having a cross or rosary on hand could have the same effect, but from my memories of when I attended church I don't remember them being sold there. Even if those are being sold at churches or church events they feel more like merchandise; they don't undergo a process of consecration, where the item is turned into something holy. I think Christians prefer the act of praying and thinking about God's importance as their way of assuring his "guidance" anyways.
Unexpected lesson about Japan, Japanese, and comparative religious studies FTW! Feels good to drop some hard earned knowledge on my friendly readers.
Speaking of winning, this particular omamori boosts my mojo for....Winning! Yes, the first two characters (starting from the top characters located in the center) say Kachi-un, which literally means "Win-luck". The second two characters basically mean protective charm or talisman. This is the omamori I'll bring with me tomorrow. Look at the picture again. Is that not badass? With this I can't lose, even if I don't win 8D
What's your lucky charm? ;)
Nothing exciting has happened since my last update. Tomorrow, however, I'm going to the Japanese Embassy in Atlanta to see if there are any positions in their internship available. I'd rather show up in person than place a phone call. Plus if they aren't taking applications I could always stop by Hashiguchi Jr. for lunch, a Japanese restaurant close by. Well I was going to do that anyways.
I'll have my omamori with me when I go to the embassy tomorrow. I guess in English this it is called a lucky charm? But to me it is more of a talisman. Here is a picture (the blog's first! eep!)
To give you a good idea how big it is, it's about the size of a credit card or driver's license. Other omamori may come in smaller and bigger sizes, and even different shapes (some are made out of wood too). My friend brought me this one from Ohmiya Hachimanguu (大宮八幡宮) shrine in Japan.
The word "omamori"(o-mah-mo-ry) literally means a thing that protects. It gives you auspicious (lucky) mojo. And in Japan, China, and other Asian cultures there are omamori for everything. Some omamori serve very specific purposes, like protecting you on the road, passing a job interview, financial order, etc. The main reason why I believe omamori are not equivalent to "lucky charms" in American culture and are more like talismans is because omamori are consecrated (thanks years of Catholicism for teaching me that term!) with whatever spirit, diety, or sacred place (in this case the shrine itself, dedicated to a war god) where they come from. If I'm not mistaken, that doesn't happen in Catholic or other Christian churches in the US. I guess having a cross or rosary on hand could have the same effect, but from my memories of when I attended church I don't remember them being sold there. Even if those are being sold at churches or church events they feel more like merchandise; they don't undergo a process of consecration, where the item is turned into something holy. I think Christians prefer the act of praying and thinking about God's importance as their way of assuring his "guidance" anyways.
Unexpected lesson about Japan, Japanese, and comparative religious studies FTW! Feels good to drop some hard earned knowledge on my friendly readers.
Speaking of winning, this particular omamori boosts my mojo for....Winning! Yes, the first two characters (starting from the top characters located in the center) say Kachi-un, which literally means "Win-luck". The second two characters basically mean protective charm or talisman. This is the omamori I'll bring with me tomorrow. Look at the picture again. Is that not badass? With this I can't lose, even if I don't win 8D
What's your lucky charm? ;)
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Mezzanine
Besides obviously finding a job outside of Georgia or abroad I haven't made any New Year's resolutions for 2012, but after tidying up my room and my PC, I think I'd like to take on a few creative projects this year. I have a stack of postcards and small prints I bought from the art museums and national parks I visited last year. I want to put them together and frame them, like a collage of all my favorite works and sites. I also have two medium size prints I need to frame and hang on the walls; my Japanese idol posters could use some company. One print is Edward Hopper's Haskell's House (1924) and the other is Matisse's La Négresse (1952). Seeing Matisse's in person last year in DC was a very surreal experience. The painting is very large. My friend tells me I stared at it for twenty minutes. I could have stared at it all day.
Another project I would like to undertake is a little daunting, but it needs to be done. It involves the 8,000+ photos I took with three point-and-shoot cameras in the year I was in Japan. I'm reluctant to upload my photos to Flickr or other online photo storing services so instead I will make a digital scrapbook/slideshow/video of my memories and experiences in Japan. I'd like to show my friends after I'm done to see what sort of memories are stirred within them from the perspective of my photos. I also know of a few friends who unfortunately had most, if not all, of their digital photos wiped from their hard drives with no hope of recovery, so maybe this project can help bring back memories of our time spent together in what was probably the most fun year of our lives to date. Perhaps I'll print a few hundred of those photos and make a physical photo album too. This project is the most tedious of the two but it will be fun and rewarding.
This week was my birthday. My birthday weekend was shit but it happened and I can't change it now. I'm upset at myself and at some of my friends. I should have just waited to celebrate my birthday the next month or so like I've done the past few years. It is worth the wait if I know all of my friends will show up, actually be genki, and celebrate with me. It's not even about people cancelling to _my_ birthday party. I just thought it would be easier to gather a big group of friends, especially some who I haven't seen in a while, on my birthday, so that they wouldn't be bothered the rest of the year. I understand some people had legitimate reasons for cancelling, but don't tell me you'll show up then don't without so much as an apology, especially when one of you was my ride home.
Then again that's what I get for inviting a group of guys to come out and celebrate with me. What's in it for them if there's no promised one-on-one time with me? Sometimes guys here really disgust me. Sometimes I never want to be friends with them. But if I did that then I wouldn't have any friends, since I'm not exactly popular with the ladies.
I shouldn't have felt as lonely as I did this weekend. Of all the weekends I shouldn't have been reminded of the problem that arises when you're a woman and most of your friends are men. I don't want any of you as a boyfriend, lover, or husband. I try to avoid sex as much as I can. How many times and how loudly do I have to say this in order for them to understand? I will never return your feelings. Please move on and start treating me like a person. Because that's what I am.
I am a horrible person for saying this out loud. I feel like a child for making idle complaints about a weekend that didn't go my way when my friends and I have much bigger problems in life. I know my friends (even my closer ones) didn't realize but this is the last birthday I'll celebrate Stateside for a while. I just wish everyone came and at least faked being genki for me. I do it for them all the time.
That said, I won't let this post end on a negative note. This weekend, I thought of all my friends in Japan and in other parts of the world. I miss them all terribly, even those I've never met face-to-face before. I received warm messages from those I care about and got some wonderful gifts from friends and family. The most ironic gift was from a friend I've known since high school. He recently made a trip to Japan and got me AKB48's Flying Get single. He knows I'm not interested in them, and he hates idols, so it made it all the more hilarious when I opened his gift and saw the single. I laughed really, really hard. Another friend sent me a phone strap with the mascot from Torikizoku, a yakitori restaurant chain we used to frequent when I was in Japan. My mother's gift to me was a beautiful white dresser her friend previously owned. It has a country French design to it and is a perfect piece for my room. I couldn't be any happier with it.
My mom also got me a membership at the local gym(lol), and on that note, I think I'll go use it now! I'm so new to gyms it's embarrassing. I tend to stick to treadmills even though I would benefit from lifting weights and doing more ab exercises. I have been attending Zumba classes lately, however. They are so much fun, they pump me up and I work up a good amount of sweat during the hour and a half class.
Sorry for the negative vibes earlier. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a Happy New Year.
Sincerely,
M
Another project I would like to undertake is a little daunting, but it needs to be done. It involves the 8,000+ photos I took with three point-and-shoot cameras in the year I was in Japan. I'm reluctant to upload my photos to Flickr or other online photo storing services so instead I will make a digital scrapbook/slideshow/video of my memories and experiences in Japan. I'd like to show my friends after I'm done to see what sort of memories are stirred within them from the perspective of my photos. I also know of a few friends who unfortunately had most, if not all, of their digital photos wiped from their hard drives with no hope of recovery, so maybe this project can help bring back memories of our time spent together in what was probably the most fun year of our lives to date. Perhaps I'll print a few hundred of those photos and make a physical photo album too. This project is the most tedious of the two but it will be fun and rewarding.
This week was my birthday. My birthday weekend was shit but it happened and I can't change it now. I'm upset at myself and at some of my friends. I should have just waited to celebrate my birthday the next month or so like I've done the past few years. It is worth the wait if I know all of my friends will show up, actually be genki, and celebrate with me. It's not even about people cancelling to _my_ birthday party. I just thought it would be easier to gather a big group of friends, especially some who I haven't seen in a while, on my birthday, so that they wouldn't be bothered the rest of the year. I understand some people had legitimate reasons for cancelling, but don't tell me you'll show up then don't without so much as an apology, especially when one of you was my ride home.
Then again that's what I get for inviting a group of guys to come out and celebrate with me. What's in it for them if there's no promised one-on-one time with me? Sometimes guys here really disgust me. Sometimes I never want to be friends with them. But if I did that then I wouldn't have any friends, since I'm not exactly popular with the ladies.
I shouldn't have felt as lonely as I did this weekend. Of all the weekends I shouldn't have been reminded of the problem that arises when you're a woman and most of your friends are men. I don't want any of you as a boyfriend, lover, or husband. I try to avoid sex as much as I can. How many times and how loudly do I have to say this in order for them to understand? I will never return your feelings. Please move on and start treating me like a person. Because that's what I am.
I am a horrible person for saying this out loud. I feel like a child for making idle complaints about a weekend that didn't go my way when my friends and I have much bigger problems in life. I know my friends (even my closer ones) didn't realize but this is the last birthday I'll celebrate Stateside for a while. I just wish everyone came and at least faked being genki for me. I do it for them all the time.
That said, I won't let this post end on a negative note. This weekend, I thought of all my friends in Japan and in other parts of the world. I miss them all terribly, even those I've never met face-to-face before. I received warm messages from those I care about and got some wonderful gifts from friends and family. The most ironic gift was from a friend I've known since high school. He recently made a trip to Japan and got me AKB48's Flying Get single. He knows I'm not interested in them, and he hates idols, so it made it all the more hilarious when I opened his gift and saw the single. I laughed really, really hard. Another friend sent me a phone strap with the mascot from Torikizoku, a yakitori restaurant chain we used to frequent when I was in Japan. My mother's gift to me was a beautiful white dresser her friend previously owned. It has a country French design to it and is a perfect piece for my room. I couldn't be any happier with it.
My mom also got me a membership at the local gym(lol), and on that note, I think I'll go use it now! I'm so new to gyms it's embarrassing. I tend to stick to treadmills even though I would benefit from lifting weights and doing more ab exercises. I have been attending Zumba classes lately, however. They are so much fun, they pump me up and I work up a good amount of sweat during the hour and a half class.
Sorry for the negative vibes earlier. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a Happy New Year.
Sincerely,
M
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