It feels silly to say this. I feel guilty for saying this partly because I'm a (former) Catholic and partly because I know I'm privileged and I hate to show it off to people who are less fortunate.
But I'm going to say it anyways.
I feel at ease about everything in my life right now. I won't go so far to say that it is perfect, because it's not. There are still horrible atrocities happening in the world, I'm a woman and oppression exists, so I can't feel happy about that. However, what I am feeling now is about as close to perfect as it is going to get. Not even the fact that I am being sued and that I have a shithead father can knock me off the cloud I am on now.
I recently took care of a burden that had been plaguing me for years: my credit card debt. I won't go into details, but for years it was the source of all of my stress. It was the reason why I failed a number of courses at my university, delayed my graduation, and lied to my family and friends out of shame. There have been a slew of physical manifestations because of it too. But it's gone now. I barely don't know what to do with myself.
I have a million friends all over the world that love me, and I keep making new ones every day.
This year two very good things are going to happen. First, I'll be visiting my friends and family in Panama this summer. The last time I went was in December of 2007. Normally I would go in the summer but I opted to stay here(U.S.) in the summer of 2008 to work at my part-time job to save up some cash because I was to leave for Japan that October. Even though I came back from Japan the next year, September 2009, I postponed my annual summer trip to Panama for financial reasons and for a more shameful reason: my weakening Spanish. Up until last year, I thought if I just kept speaking with my mom, my sister, and a few Spanish-speaking friends I have here, reading Spanish literature and watch Spanish tv I could "improve" my Spanish, good enough to not feel embarrassed the next time I went to Panama. Turns out it helps greatly if you're in an environment where that is all that's being spoken. Being a language nerd, I knew this. But the shamelock regarding my credit card and my failing school was very strong during these years, so I stubbornly kept this way of thinking. The funny part is that I ended up not doing any of these things beyond speaking Spanish at the home. I turned to reading Japanese magazines and watching Japanese tv and movies. Now my Japanese is amazing. I wouldn't say it is as good as my Spanish, but I've seen my Spanish weakening, and it scares me. I trip over my words more frequently. It takes me longer to remember a certain word and sometimes I completely blank on some conjugations of verbs. The other person may not even realize that I'm fumbling with my Spanish but to me, it is starting to not feel native anymore. This scares me deeply. Hopefully when I set foot on that beautiful isthmus it will all just come back to me. Forgetting my Spanish to me is more than just not being able to speak it. Without my mother tongue, who am I?
Okay, maybe I am going through an identity crisis of some sort :P
The last piece of good news will also happen in the summer. I am most excited about this for several reasons, though there's one that trumps all the others. I haven't purchased the plane ticket yet, but...
I will most likely be going to Japan in August. It is only for vacation but I will be there for a good three weeks. There are a thousand things I would like to do while I'm there. There is no doubt I will spend several days in Osaka. Almost all of my friends are there and I'm dying to see them again. I hope we'll be able to get a drink together or something. Besides going to Osaka, however, I'd like to explore Tokyo. Believe it or not, even though I spent the better part of a year in Japan, I've only been to Tokyo a handful of times, and each time only for a day or half-day. I've only really been to Shibuya, so there is still so much for me to see when it comes to Tokyo. Luckily I have a couple of Japanese friends that have lived in Tokyo for most of their lives and are more than willing to take me to their favorite places to eat, drink, play, and reflect. I can't wait.
I will be looking for a job while I'm there. I've gone back and forth with the idea of teaching English in Japan because it simply doesn't sound like a job I'll love. Well, not everyone loves their job, and I'm not saying I'm looking for a job I love. I just want to feel like my job is going to help my company or people in the long run, and when I look at Japanese that have been studying English since middle school that still cannot speak a lick of it, it doesn't necessarily inspire me to look for those types of positions. I know no matter what job I land my work is going to matter, but I guess I simply want to do something other than teach English.
While I'm in Japan for these 3 or 4 weeks, I would like to spend time volunteering in one of the several organisations that are helping clean up and rebuild Tohoku(Northeast), Japan. Thousands of people are still living in cramped, temporary housing after having lost everything during the tsunami last March. There is still a long, long, long way to go to the rebuilding and reviving of the area but if my hands can help us reach that goal, even just a little bit, then I'd like to do that. Japan and its people have enriched my life in so many ways since I began studying the language over 5 years ago, it is only natural I give back to them. I'm considering becoming a full-time volunteer. A few of my friends are doing that right now and they tell me I should join them. I don't care about being physically uncomfortable, not being able to shower for days, or being broke as hell. I'm also confident enough in my Japanese to be of help when it comes to interpretation between Japanese and foreign volunteer workers. I don't know how I'm able to keep a visa by doing that work but I will inquire with several people. I hope to work something out while I'm there in August.
Last but not least, while I have several friends that live in many different parts of Japan, and I miss them dearly, there is one person I want to see more than anyone. I met this person two years ago while he was on a business trip here in Georgia. We spent very little time together before he returned to Japan, but I haven't been the same since. And neither has he. For over a year now we haven't spoken to each other, but every once in a while we'll send each other an email. One of those emails came right before New Year's, when he asked me when I was going to Japan. I told him I might be going later this year. He replied, asking me to contact him when I get there. I think that was his way of telling me he misses me.
I will contact him once I step foot in Japan, and not a moment sooner. He's one of the main reasons why I haven't felt comfortable being anyone's girlfriend in the meantime. But even I'm not seeking to be his girlfriend. I just want that one date him and I never went on; the one I was too shy to go on while he was here. I'm thinking a summer festival, perhaps? ;)
Teaching English isn't all that fun, but it's easy enough (as long as you avoid places that have you teaching 7-8 lessons per day) and if your thoughts are always on the cool things you can see or do when you're off work, you'll enjoy your life there, especially when you consider that almost all Japanese people don't do work that even remotely resembles the kind they'd like to be doing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Billy :) I think my biggest fear about teaching English in Japan is that I may be fucked over by my employer. Most of my friends have had good experiences teaching in Japan but there are a few who have had to switch employers 3 to 4 times in a single year.But I agree, it seems easy enough and the ones that have a hard time seem to have the biggest gripe for Japanese culture, therefore it's no wonder they don't enjoy their life there. We'll see what comes up in August. Either way, I'd like to stay there for a very long time.
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